Sibling Dex also quits their job at the start of A Psalm for the Wild Built. They decide to become a tea monk, and they don’t want any help starting off, even after a disastrous first therapy session. I understand this impulse. It’s not just the embarrassment of asking for help, although that may be a factor. It’s not just the sense of pride that makes me want to believe I can do it alone. It is the fact that no individual other than myself can arrive at the answers for me. 

I decided to start Novel Exchanges, and although there are other people who run book clubs and make content, I do not want to be like them. I want to be like me. This is very prideful and maybe even a little stupid, because getting inspiration and advice from other people is usually very helpful and can be key to avoiding silly mistakes. And yet, while I can logically acknowledge the value of other people, a piece of me wants to struggle alone.

Dex wants to struggle alone, too. That’s why, when they are climbing up the mountain to the hermitage, “Dex resented the robot’s company. They did not want Mosscap there. They did not want anyone there. They wanted to climb the fucking mountain, because they had decided they would, and then, when they got to the hermitage, then…then…”

And then what? 

I have not reached any profound realizations since quitting and beginning my new struggle. I have not attained a Zen state. If anything, I am more lost and confused than I was when I was teaching. I do not know where to find meaning in my life. I am staring out into an abyss of possibilities, and I am overwhelmed. I know that making a choice and devoting myself to that choice will require perseverance and discipline. There are easy paths and hard paths and medium paths. Sometimes it feels easier to sit at the intersection of the decision.

I also know that the path itself matters very little. My mindset towards the path will make the crucial difference in my life’s happiness. Mosscap says, 

You’re an animal, Sibling Dex. You are not separate or other. You’re an animal. And animals have no purpose. Nothing has a purpose. The world simply is. If you want to do things that are meaningful to others, fine! Good! So do I! But if I wanted to crawl into a cave and watch stalagmites with Frostfrog for the remainder of my days, that would also be both fine and good. You keep asking why your work is not enough, and I don’t know how to answer that, because it is enough to exist in the world and marvel at it. You don’t need to justify that, or earn it. You are allowed to just live. That is all most animals do.

I would like to allow myself to just live. And yet I, like Dex, am very aware of my inevitable death. I do not know why being aware of my inevitable death makes me so concerned about leaving a meaningful legacy. One would think that being aware of death would make me want to live. Living for a legacy seems to be only one step removed from living for my death. I like Mosscap’s response to Dex’s question: “how does the idea of maybe being meaningless sit well with you?” And Mosscap replies, “Because I know that no matter what, I’m wonderful.”

This is a hard realization to arrive at. Our society does not believe that no matter what, we are wonderful. In Dex’s world, there are no starving people. So when Dex says “We’re all just trying to be comfortable, and well fed, and unafraid”, we know that the most important word is unafraid. And we know that Dex is afraid, in the same way that I am afraid – afraid that whatever they choose to do with their life will not soothe the part of themself that is unsatisfied. The answer, according to my Buddhist mother, is to look within (and practice Dharma). 

I am also looking without. I am glaring furiously at the world around me that does not allow everyone to be comfortable and well fed and unafraid. I am glaring at the USDA, which just cut $1 billion in funding to school food programs. I am glaring at the Supreme Court, who overturned Roe v. Wade and might overturn marriage equality. I am glaring at President Donald Trump, who signed an executive order to remove outdoor encampments while simultaneously gutting the US Interagency Council on homelessness. I am glaring at Benjamin Netanyahu, who continues his vicious genocide against the Palestinian people, despite being condemned by Israeli human rights organizations. 

Self-actualization is a privilege, but it shouldn’t be. There is enough wealth in the world for all of us to eat, and be housed, and find the balance between work and rest. Our personal value should not be measured by our productivity. Like Sibling Dex, we should all be able to try something new, simply because we feel called to do so. We should all be able to question who we are and what our purpose is and eventually come to the realization that we are wonderful, no matter what. Imagine how much more art there would be in the world. How much more care. How much more kindness. If you knew that you would be comfortable, and well fed, and unafraid, no matter what, how would you choose to be wonderful?